The last eight months…

How many weeks is he? They ask as they peer into his baby blue eyes and lose themselves in his cheeky little grin. The butter wouldn’t melt kid who hasn’t slept a full night for me since birth! He won’t take the bottle, he won’t take the routine. We’ve taken the baby led thing a little too far and I’m yet to find a solution that doesn’t come in the form of a patronising book that I won’t get the time to read!

How long does the teething stage last? I ask myself as I rock him back to sleep for the fifth time. If only kissing his soft little cheeks would take the pain away! For the record I do not recommend the teething granules, the bickipegs are weird and the teething gel is best applied with a cotton bud.

How many more times are you going to do that? My partner asks me as I arrange and re arrange the whole fucking house. Our bedroom furniture is out to get me I swear, feng shui is a mith people and IKEA lies. I envy those who can relax beside an empty Diet Coke can and last nights family starburst gorge, but me, never! I might be a mess but the house will never be.

How long will it take for my hair to grow back? I ask myself as I delete all the shitty selfies I’ve just taken for my insta. These days I look like a bag of shit, even the filters mock me! (Sleep deprivation does shitty things to a face). Word of advice pregnant people, you might be puffy, uncomfortable and feel unattractive to your partner but I swear he still thinks you’re sexy, ish, and now is not the time to go and change it up in the salon. Bordem and insecurities make for bad decisions! Me and my bob are parting ways soon but only just and it’s been 8 months!

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